Confession: conceal, don't feel, and don't let them know...

Each day I am telling myself, I can do it. I can forget and forgive. I can stop having the feeling for you.

But each day I am proving to myself that I am wrong.

Even I act like I am ok, I am not.

Even I try hard to be a friend but I know I failed.

Even I am laughing, I am mourning at the same time.

Even I keep making myself busy so that I wont think of you, but you keep appearing in my dreams.

For a while I was happy though I know its just dreams,  but later I feel regret, I feel scared, I feel sad.

I feel guilty, when I greet you every morning.

I feel guilty, when we talk.

I feel guilty, when you ask me what I had been doing last weekends and I cant tell you I have been missing you.

I feel guilty, when we clinging on each other as group-mates.

I feel guilty, cause I am not being truthful to myself.

Though I can blind the whole world but my soul cried even louder.

I made a lot of determination and decision telling myself to move on.

And yeah, I move on with my soul left behind my heart with you.

There are days that I feel grateful, where I can still see you though I cant have you.

There are moments that I smile to myself, thinking of those short but nice memories with you.

There are times that my mind keep lingering in things that you told me, keep thinking of those unanswered questions that you asked me.

I know I miss you so much when

I still enjoy listening to songs that you are humming, as though you are singing to me.

I still have butterflies in my stomach, when you look at me.

I still like to see you focusing on the games in your phone.

I still walk behind you just to remember how your back look like.

I still think of you even when I am cleaning my stuff and keep organised them in a way that I think you will like it.

I still motivated to wake up early on days that I know I will meet you.

I still care who, what, when, how and where you are all the time.  

Every message, phone call, chat that we had, I revised it over and over again.

Every places, things, food, movies or songs we shared before, make me cant stop thinking of you as though we still have a future together.

Whenever people ask me out, or on any occasion, you are the first one I think of as though it will matter to you anyhow. How I wish all the invitation, phone calls, messages are from you. How I wish all these movies and  festive seasons I am enjoying it with you.

I miss your voice speaking beside my ears softly.

I miss your hug and said that I am the first and only one to get it.

I miss the warmth of your body when you hold me tight and said that you are afraid of loosing me.

I miss your big hands that cover my tiny hands in cold.

I miss your smile and laugh when you are with me, as though it is only for me.
I miss your kiss on my head and your praise of my hair sense despite having allergy rhinitis all the times.
I miss your good night and sleep tight everynight.

I know I am crazyy...

Its already near the last day of the year..what if all this will only remain for one more day..

I dont want to but I have to get myself out of it..I wonder how can I do it? And can i still do it?

What If I cant? I started to doubt do I still have that confidence in me like how I promise to you the day we decide to be apart.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I don't want those who still care be worried about me.

and I can't tell you too as it will only drag you down with me.

What should I do? May be I shouldn't do any. Just need to conceal, don't feel, and don't let them know...